Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
