and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
