I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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