It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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