If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Randomize
