yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
please come you make the beer taste better
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
