It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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