Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
