You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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