just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
