No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
