wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
