im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
