Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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