goodnight i made you a song goodbye
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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