why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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