Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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