all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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