I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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