I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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