need another drink. this is the easiest way
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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