im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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