Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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