this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
