Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
