You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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