so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
