she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
