I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
