Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
