Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
