Your face is a jimmy john
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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