I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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