I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I wish life had little blips of pornography
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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