NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We need to get me chipped asap
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
