how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
