glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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