the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
