i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
