Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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