I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I deserve to be covered in dicks
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
