Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
