wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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