It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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