You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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