I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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