Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
