butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
