I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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