my phone needs a breathalizer
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
