I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
